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Friday, July 8, 2016


Let me start by saying I am no expert in this field, nor do I claim to be. I have a B.A. and some postgrad credits, but that's all. Aside from that, all I have is a (probably) larger-than-average determination not to lie to myself about my own feelings and a sharp memory about my own sexual encounters.
The first time I had sex there were neither mind-altering substances used nor any strong-arming. All I did was to answer her questions honestly about whether I'd be disappointed if we didn't do the wild thing. (I said I would be, but no more than that.) So we spent the night together sleeping and fucking and my ego spiked when I told her it was my first time and she reacted with real or feigned disbelief. We shared breakfast in the morning and she went her way. Later that morning and into the afternoon, my stomach felt like it was coated with some metallic substance. It was a rather cold and unhappy feeling.
I didn't feel that way with the next two women I bedded, and I think it was because neither one was at all unwilling. That feeling, however, recurred twice with later partners, each of whom seemed only semi-willing. The worst was when I entered a woman and it was if my body asked, "What are we doing here?" I think I remember feeling worse than just cold liquid metal in my stomach.
Thankfully, I've never felt that way since but I also have had few sexual partners, including two marriages, one of which is happily current and the other which ended seven years ago when my first wife passed on. But now, I ask myself, Have other men besides myself felt this way and could the reason be picking up the feelings of a partner who is semi-willing at best and completely unwilling, or unconscious, at worst?
I've touched on the confusion there can be between father-hunger and 'gay' sexual feeling on the part of some men; now I wonder, could the unacknowledged (by either sex and/or both; probably both) unwillingness of their sexual partners, and the men unconsciously 'picking up' on it, be an aggravating factor in all this?
And before I go any further, let me post that I don't mean to Blame Women for this particular matter. If anything, I'm in favor of both parties to a sexual liaison be as sure as possible that this is what their partner wants as well as themselves before they peel the clothes off and get horizontal. And I will call out anyone and everyone who dares to try and use this article in such an evil way!
I'm also noticing that those cultures, be they national, regional, tribal or whatever, that have traditions of what used to be politely called 'rough wooing' also seem to be the most homophobic as well. The Arab/Muslim world, at least parts of Latin America and indeed Romance language countries overall--and our own Southland as well, to use three examples. In each region, men will often share more genuine friendship and tenderness with each other than they ever will with their women. There are those like Camille Paglia who will say that's probably a better setup then in the Nordic countries where, according to herself, men offer their women too little difference between what they give their women and what the women give each other and, consequentially, the women are miserable--or so she claimeth. I make no judgment either way. As I said before, I'm no expert and all I'm doing is suggesting questions to ask. I certainly concur that all intimate relationships, be they same-or opposite-sex, need a balance of likeness and complementarity which suits both parties in order to stay healthy and helpful to both individuals.
I guess I wonder how much downright misery, individual and societal, might stem from what D.H. Lawrence called, through his character Mellors in Lady Chatterley's Lover, 'cold-hearted fucking, which is death and idiocy'. That is, sex when at least one partner really isn't sure about doing this or has had her (and it usually is 'her') consent robbed by either force or drugs, including alcohol. Let me tell all the males who have had, or may have had, such encounters this much: you may not like women much right now, but the way your hormones run won't change as a result. You are NOT latently gay. And let me ask all of you this question: which takes more REAL manhood: just following your gonads around or learning how to control them yourself? Those hormones are strong, ain't they? Then doesn't it take a real man to control his hormones? Not to suppress, but to control--that is, to regulate them and know when to keep them to yourself and when to let 'em go
And we men need to be better friends to each other in this 21st century world which seems to atomize us pretty mercilessly. Our hormones go their respective ways, person by person, and that almost never changes. I suggest to all my readers that real manhood's 'stool' has three legs: integrity, responsibility and courtesy. Whoever observes these three is a real man with no need to 'prove' it to, or with, anyone. So let's start from there.