Let me start by saying I am no
expert in this field, nor do I claim to be. I have a B.A. and some
postgrad credits, but that's all. Aside from that, all I have is a
(probably) larger-than-average determination not to lie to myself about
my own feelings and a sharp memory about my own sexual encounters.
The
first time I had sex there were neither mind-altering substances used
nor any strong-arming. All I did was to answer her questions honestly
about whether I'd be disappointed if we didn't do the wild thing. (I
said I would be, but no more than that.) So we spent the night together
sleeping and fucking and my ego spiked when I told her it was my first
time and she reacted with real or feigned disbelief. We shared breakfast
in the morning and she went her way. Later that morning and into the
afternoon, my stomach felt like it was coated with some metallic
substance. It was a rather cold and unhappy feeling.
I didn't feel that way with the next two women I bedded, and I think it was because neither one was at all
unwilling.
That feeling, however, recurred twice with later partners, each of whom
seemed only semi-willing. The worst was when I entered a woman and it
was if my body asked, "What are we doing here?" I think I remember
feeling worse than just cold liquid metal in my stomach.
Thankfully,
I've never felt that way since but I also have had few sexual partners,
including two marriages, one of which is happily current and the other
which ended seven years ago when my first wife passed on. But now, I ask
myself,
Have other men besides myself felt this way and could the
reason be picking up the feelings of a partner who is semi-willing at
best and completely unwilling, or unconscious, at worst?
I've
touched on the confusion there can be between father-hunger and 'gay'
sexual feeling on the part of some men; now I wonder, could the
unacknowledged (by either sex and/or both; probably both) unwillingness
of their sexual partners, and the men unconsciously 'picking up' on it,
be an aggravating factor in all this?
And before I go any
further, let me post that I don't mean to Blame Women for this
particular matter. If anything, I'm in favor of both parties to a sexual
liaison be as sure as possible that this is what their partner wants as
well as themselves before they peel the clothes off and get horizontal.
And I will call out anyone and everyone who dares to try and use this
article in such an evil way!
I'm also noticing that those
cultures, be they national, regional, tribal or whatever, that have
traditions of what used to be politely called 'rough wooing' also seem
to be the most homophobic as well. The Arab/Muslim world, at least parts
of Latin America and indeed Romance language countries overall--and our
own Southland as well, to use three examples. In each region, men will
often share more genuine friendship and tenderness with each other than
they ever will with their women. There are those like Camille Paglia who
will say that's probably a better setup then in the Nordic countries
where, according to herself, men offer their women too little difference
between what they give their women and what the women give each other
and, consequentially, the women are miserable--or so she claimeth. I
make no judgment either way. As I said before, I'm no expert and all I'm
doing is suggesting questions to ask. I certainly concur that all
intimate relationships, be they same-or opposite-sex, need a balance of
likeness and complementarity which suits both parties in order to stay
healthy and helpful to both individuals.
I guess I wonder how
much downright misery, individual and societal, might stem from what
D.H. Lawrence called, through his character Mellors in
Lady Chatterley's Lover,
'cold-hearted fucking, which is death and idiocy'. That is, sex when at
least one partner really isn't sure about doing this or has had her
(and it usually is 'her') consent robbed by either force or drugs,
including alcohol. Let me tell all the males who have had, or may have
had, such encounters this much: you may not
like women much right
now, but the way your hormones run won't change as a result. You are
NOT latently gay. And let me ask all of you this question: which takes
more REAL manhood: just following your gonads around or learning how to
control them yourself? Those hormones are strong, ain't they? Then
doesn't it take a
real man to control his hormones? Not to
suppress, but to control--that is, to regulate them and know when to
keep them to yourself and when to let 'em go
And we men need to
be better friends to each other in this 21st century world which seems
to atomize us pretty mercilessly. Our hormones go their respective ways,
person by person, and that almost never changes. I suggest to all my
readers that real manhood's 'stool' has three legs: integrity,
responsibility and courtesy. Whoever observes these three is a real man
with no need to 'prove' it to, or with, anyone. So let's start from
there.
